


Not Broken

by NeverBeenAWriter



Category: Phandom/The Fantastic Foursome (YouTube RPF)
Genre: Comfort, Communication, Dan Howell/Phil Lester Comfort, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Hurt Dan Howell, Hurt/Comfort, Implied/Referenced Sexual Assault, M/M, Past Sexual Assault, Sad Dan Howell, Therapy
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-07-23
Updated: 2019-07-23
Packaged: 2020-07-11 22:50:34
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,596
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19935820
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/NeverBeenAWriter/pseuds/NeverBeenAWriter
Summary: After a long therapy session Dan opens up to Phil about a past experience he's never been able to speak about.Trigger Warning: Discussions of past sexual assault of a teen.





	Not Broken

**Author's Note:**

> Disclaimer: This obviously is a work of fiction and is NOT making claims about the real people Daniel Howell and Phil Lester.
> 
> Please be aware that this involves discussion of a very sensitive subject and may be triggering. I wrote it as a coping mechanism for myself and I'm posting it just in case it can help someone else.

Dan was sitting in one of the seats in the waiting room of his therapy office waiting for Phil to come pick him up. His legs jittery and his fingers pulling at the sleeves of his jumper. He’d just finished a session and was still emotionally reeling. Although this was only his third appointment with this therapist, he felt really comfortable with this one and was able to open up about something from his past he never expected to be able to talk about.

He heard the door to the office open and he looked up, seeing Phil smiling down at him. “You ready to go?” Phil asked quietly, not wanting to disturb the quiet atmosphere of the room. Dan nodded, not yet ready to talk and got up, following Phil out of the office and down through the building of different businesses. 

Phil pulled him aside in the quiet hallway and wiped a tear from his face. Dan hadn’t noticed that he was still tearing up. Phil kissed his forehead. “You okay?” he asked. Dan nodded again, and the older man wrapped his arms around him, pulling him close. “I know you don’t like to talk right after therapy so I won’t ask any questions, but just know you can talk to me about anything,” he said, pulling back and kissing his cheek.

“I know,” Dan said quietly. He took Phil’s hand in his own and headed off into the parking lot. They stayed comfortably silent as they went to their car and got inside, the ride home filled with only the low music playing on the car radio.

It was only hours later, once they’d returned to their apartment, ate dinner, and Dan had showered, that he was finally ready to talk. “Phil?” Dan questioned, entering into the bedroom.

“Yes sweetheart?” Phil said, putting aside his laptop and turning his attention to the younger boy. He was wearing his pooh bear onesie and his hair was still slightly damp, he looked adorable, but there was something off about him. Phil watched him pull at his sleeves as if he wanted to escape or hide. Despite how awkward Dan was he was normally confident, and always relaxed around Phil. The fact that he wasn't informed Phil that whatever was on his mind it was serious.

“I want to talk now,” Dan replied quietly, climbing onto the bed and sitting on his knees. 

“Okay,” Phil responded. “You seem nervous; can I do anything to make you more comfortable?” he asked, seeing the fear on the brunette’s face. 

“No, this is just a hard thing to talk about,” Dan replied. “Just try not to judge me,” he added.

“That's okay," Phil said gently, placing his hand over Dan's on the bed. "No matter what it is I am here for you. I’d never judge you Dan,” Phil said, taking one of Dan’s hands in his own and meeting his eyes, trying to express his love and admiration for the younger man to remind him he was safe.

Dan paused and it was evident by his face that he was freaking out, he kept looking up and opening his mouth as if to say something, but then would look back down and close it again. “Take your time,” Phil said, gripping Dan's tighter. "I'm not going anywhere."

Dan's voice was a whisper when he finally spoke. “You know when we first got together, I said that I was nervous about sex. That my past relationship had issues and caused me to be extra cautious,” Dan said, starting to look ill.

“Yes, I remember. It was something we discussed quite a bit,” Phil answered, remembering the long conversations and how careful he'd been to never make Dan feel like he had to be cautious. “Calm down bear, I promise I got you,” he added, trying to stop the younger man from having a full on panic attack. “It’s just us here, and I won’t judge you, I love you.”

Dan took a deep breath. “I was-“ he cut himself off. “I am," he corrected. "A victim of sexual assault, or sexual harassment, or sexual manipulation, I don’t know what to call it,” he said quietly, feeling the tears from earlier coming back. 

Phil pulled him into his arms and let him cry against his chest. “I’m so sorry Dan,” he said holding him tightly. “That’s not your fault baby, no matter what,” he reminded. 

Dan pulled back. “It is though,” he sobbed out, his voice strained and his face red from the overflow of emotions.

“Why would it ever be your fault?” Phil asked gently, rubbing Dan's sides to try and give him a sense on comfort. 

“Because I could have stopped it,” Dan said, putting his head down. “I was so god damn broken inside at the time, so fucked up on meds and hormones. I hated myself and I would have done anything to feel loved, so I let him….” he added. “But I could have stopped it… I should have stopped it…” Dan starting gasping for breath, his emotions so strong they were cutting off his ability to breath.

“I knew him for months and I knew what he wanted, I thought he was kind but he wasn’t, he was only in it for himself, he never cared. I told him I didn’t want to, but he kept telling me I should, that I should be good for him, that he loved me and he knew what I needed!” Dan screeched again and choked on his lack of air. “He kept asking, and every time I said no he’d say it was okay and wouldn’t push it, but he’d keep bringing it up and telling me that I should, we should, I had too. Eventually I started believing him!” He started having a coughing fit and crumpled in on himself.

Phil reached for his glass of water on the side table and lifted Dan’s face to place it to his lips. “Take a sip and breath,” he said gently. Dan did as he asked and got to a point where he was able to breath normal again. Phil cupped his face and smiled at him. “I love you so much, baby,” he said simply, trying to keep the other man grounded. “I’m right here, you’re safe and you’re loved, nothing like that will ever happen to you again, I promise.”

Dan looked at him and took a deep breath. “He was 40, I was 16…” he muttered out. Phil’s eyes flashed anger. “I’m so fucking disgusting,” Dan added, feeling almost numb from how broken he felt. 

“Dan, he is disgusting! He is a fucking monster! That is not on you, it will never be on you! As the adult he should have known better!” Phil yelled in anger but not at all directed at Dan. He took a deep breath and placed his hand on Dan’s knee. He knew his anger was justified and he'd curse and yell some other time but right now he needed to focus on Dan, this wasn't about him.

“You don’t think I’m disgusting? I would if I were you,” Dan said, watching the way Phil’s face changed from angry to distraught. 

“Of course I don’t think that,” Phil said quickly, kissing his forehead. “Dan, you are my everything, I would never think less of you for something like that, you did what you thought you had to at the time to get by,” he added. “And you wouldn’t think that if you were me, if the same thing happened to me I know you would never judge me for it.”

Dan paused. He knew Phil was right about that. In his eyes the older man was perfect, nothing he told him would change that. “Then why do I feel disgusting, like I made a mistake that has ruined me, like I’m worthless?”

“Because someone took your choice away, they used power and mind games to control you,” Phil answered. “But that doesn’t mean you are any of those things, it’s just your mind telling you that.”

“Will I be broken, forever?” Dan asked. 

The expression on his face made Phil feel like his heart was smashed with a hammer. He held the younger in his arms again and felt a tear run down his own cheek. “You’re not broken,” he answered. “But anytime you feel broken I will help you put the pieces back together, that’s what love is, It’s picking each other up every time one of you falls. I will always be here to pick you up.”

Dan laid back against his chest. “Phil?” he asked quietly. 

“Yes, bear?” Phil replied.

Dan felt a little bit of comfort for the first time that day, wrapping in Phil’s arms, knowing he was safe from the outside world. “Can we end this here for tonight? I’m drained.”

“Of course sweetheart, lie down and I’ll go get you some water to drink, cause you’re dehydrated, and then we can cuddle and watch anime,” Phil said with a smile and a kiss to his temple.

“Okay, that sounds good,” Dan replied. 

“You okay with me leaving for a minute?” Phil asked, worried to leave him by himself.

“Yeah, just keep talking so I know your nearby?” he asked quietly, as if he was being an inconvenience.

Phil smiled warmly. “I can do that,” he answered, getting up and going to leave the room.

“Phil, I love you, too” Dan said, turning to him.

Phil smiled again. “Love you forever and always, bear.”

**Author's Note:**

> Trigger warning also for the notes here.
> 
> This is something I've debated about posting for a very long time. I did post almost the same story but with FF15 characters a few years back, but I lied and said it wasn't my story. The truth is this is a personal thing for me and even many years later I am still learning to cope, but writing this really did help me. In this fic Dan represents who I was only a year or two afterwards and Phil represents who I am now, I am able to accept myself despite what happened.
> 
> I know it sounds so obvious to anyone who's never experienced this, but I promise if you have it's hard to see that it's not your fault, but it isn't. It never is. You shouldn't blame yourself or shame yourself, try to treat yourself the same way you would if it were a friend it happened to instead of you and they were telling you. 
> 
> Also, it gets better. You can heal and move past it and learn to love yourself again. You aren't broken, worthless, or disgusting or whatever else your mind tries to convince you that you are. You're incredible and stronger than you know. 
> 
> Please be kind to yourself, be safe, and know it's okay to ask for help if you need it. 
> 
> You can find me on twitter @BeenWriter if you want to talk to someone. 
> 
> Oh and hate or mean comments will be removed right away because I am not about that.


End file.
